Chapter 29

We Wait

Palm dates, hard millet bread and fermented grape juice began our day. Frugal and resourceful, most days the monks ate very little. For some, this would be their only meal. Already the cool, dry air was scented by bread baking in monastery ovens as the usual enthusiastic discussions about work for the day filled the air.

When I realized that Yarrl hadn’t spoken to anyone, I looked over at him and could almost feel his stillness, like he had slipped away into his mind.

“Now I understand what Hypatia was telling me about peace.” He looked straight ahead, talking to himself. I could barely hear the words.

“She said Plato believed peace to be pure ground, the place of God. And the feeling of bliss, the interior experience of perfect knowing, is like the peace that comes after death of the physical body.” He remained still and quiet for a short time.

“I’m farthest away from Alexandria I’ve ever been.” Yarrl’s voice was vague, drowsy. “Maybe I’m in another world.”

I thought he was disengaging from the city, its pressures and violence; as he drifted, I slipped into my own reverie. Transported from my library to the Library in Alexandria; I’d adjusted to this time well, but I think there was another level of detachment in the desert. Once in a while I thought I might be in Real or part of a mirage in the desert or in my own daydream. I knew I should stay focused and block those tendencies. Life’s been tricky since I had those visions, I’m not always one-hundred-percent confident I can tell what’s real.

“I don’t know if I can ever work at the Library again. I have to stay here now to take care of the scrolls.” A tear rolled down Yarrl’s cheek. “It seems clear our efforts to collect knowledge for reading, teaching and discussion aren’t valued by the Christian Church. This confliction of intellectual and social forces is more than I can understand.” He stopped again for a while. “Maybe the world won’t need me; maybe no one will care about the work I do.”

I thought it better he didn’t know what the world was headed for. Today we both needed to be calm and clearheaded when we met Arsenius. I wondered if he was worried about that. As for me, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Then in a flash, we both sat up straight and spoke at once.

“Maybe I’m nervous about meeting Arsenius.”

We laughed and came back to this place, this day. I wondered if those long still days in the desert had left us so detached that we hadn’t yet found a new normal. Our usual workdays were gone and we hadn't much knowledge of this place. Anyway, it seemed to me we should let go of the past to be ready for whatever comes next. Just as we’d walked into the desert with Akakios, we were ready to begin again, but without any idea of what that might mean. On some level I knew there was nothing to worry about. I knew we were both ready for the next chapter of this journey. Maybe we were just on hold till later today. I decided a small diversion would get us back to earth while we waited to meet Abba Arsenius.

“Let’s go for a walk outside, maybe to that farm just west of here. I need to clear my head.” My voice brought Yarrl back to the present.

It felt good to stretch our legs and have a little chitchat about the quirks of the monks. I didn’t think Yarrl believed that whatever came next would be perfect, but he was awake, his energy and focus were back. I thought he would be ready to move forward.

I decided everyone who came to live in the desert must have had to leave behind the rules and mores of a former life. Material possessions, traditional education, temptations of civilization were no longer part of daily life. I’d never before thought about such a place, or of a goal like eternity, nor heard about relentless internal struggles that could become all-consuming. Some called it the war within when every thought was to help discover a new path.

It seemed to me the main difference between the next world Yarrl had heard about from Hypatia, and what he had already heard about in the desert, concerned the intensity of that interior endeavor. In the city, one’s work life took up most of the day; in the desert a monk could let go of everything and allow the desire to find God become all-consuming. After talking with Akakios and meeting other monks, I think we both understood that such a journey would be unique for each.

All this talk made me realize I had never thought about preparing for eternity. I wasn’t sure how to find, or even begin to find, my own way. I didn’t want to ask anyone to show me. Maybe an intuitive or mystical experience would help. But I didn’t know how that happened either. My thoughts were fleeting, disorganized.

I wondered if the same kinds of thoughts were also in Yarrl’s mind. No longer a big city librarian and in this new environment, I’d already noticed a slight shift in his demeanor. Maybe he wasn’t yet sure about everything, but so far he seemed to accept and be open to everything.

The desert quiet came over us while we waited. Drowsy from the heat and the walk, we moved to a shady spot; sat down against a tree and went to sleep.

 NEXT.....Chapter 30
Arsenius Arrives